Of course it was shortlived, but dammit I was the happiest person ever for a minute there.
I think it's over. Granted, I thought it was over last time and a week later she was back and perfect and I got sucked in again. But from what she's said, I'm gathering that it's over. No chance of moving in, no engagement, no happily ever after that she was vividly describing to me just last week, her telling me I'm her soulmate.
Will i try to figure out how to stay here, or will i go to vegas? Or will i just stay here a little while? Shit I just want stabillity, seriously. I want to travel back in time to Denver when I felt like I had things going for me, work, friends, fun, a life.
I'm so stupid for believing that was she was saying was real. Why does she have to be so effing perfect? Aside from knowingly treating me atrociously and morphing into a cold hearted bitch in the blink of an eye, she really was lol. I know how that sounds, but seriously, how can anyone else ever compare to how fantastic she was in completeness?
Argh, I know I'll get over it and get through this. At least I've managed to stop crying, however momentarily. But still, it sucks, and I'm full of all this annoying regret and loss x.x
Lysh seems to think Jes will be coming back around in a few days like last time, but we'll see. Of course the fucked up part of me is hoping she will, but I don't want her to, not again, I'll get al into her again and buy it and end up here in another fuscking month. Not what I want to do. Loving her so much does not help at all.
I need to figure out where I'm going from here, and it's all just a mess. Dammit, i was so sure ten days ago exactly what was happening, and I was so excited that my life was actually finally going where I wanted it to and I wouldn't wait. Then she yanks the rug out from under me and I'm reeling, but still clinging to hope because she says she still loves me and wants to be with me, she just needs to wait to move in together. While that still left confusion, at least it was something. Now all I get is she had convinced herself too, there's extrenuating circumstances ( whatever the fuck that means ), and that some of it's not so nice.
Not nice? You call me an angel and tell me conistantly how perfect and sweet and good I am, how I take care of you and make you so happy, and you have not nice things to say about me?
Fuck this. Fuck people. Fuck my idiot self for trusting and having faith. Why am I an asshole magnet? I am not asking for much out of things, especially a relationship, but it seems so impossible. Am i really that old fashioned?
Classes start soon, but if I'm going to vegas how will I do finals, and if I stay here, I doubt I'll be living in the same district. I need to get registered and paid and all that, but it's all so wtf.
*bangs head on desk*
I need a break from life lol. No, I need to focus on something, I know that, especially something important like school, but there's a lot of things I want to do very badly and I'm pulled in all these directions.
I will figure this out, I just need a little time for my head to stop spinning.